Products from the Not-So-Distant FUTURE
A Sorta Story, but Mostly Futuristic Product-Placement
Thanks for tuning in just in time for a quick word from our sponsor, Zapple. Zapple purveyors of fine technology since before you were born (probably). Zapple has three wonderful new offerings for you to consider, starting with…
Snot-Bot Three-ThousAND! Bah bah baaaah! A Roomba for your nostrils and BEYOND!
If you loved the Snot-Bot 2000, you will adore the 3000 series. Whereas the 2000 avoided suctioning up your infected phlegm and/or anything remotely solid, the 3000 series won’t discriminate. It will excavate anything from running snot, drool, and hard loogies to actual turds.
That’s right! The Snot-Bot 3000 will clean up those out of toilet turds without hesitation (with the exception of small, hard turds otherwise known as rabbit pellets). Is your husband pooping himself in his advanced age? Do you have young kids but prefer not to fill our precious earth with their soiled diapers? Snot-bot three thousand is for you.
This cute, somewhat cuddly but mostly angular/sharp-OUCHY bot has a hover and suction function to get to all of those hard-to-reach places. Set it on snooze mode and it will only suction as you sleep. Never clean your house again. If it’s got a modicum of moisture content, then Snot-Bot 3000 will slurp it up (except for extra hard turds).
Warning: avoid bloody noses, minor cuts, and breathing with your mouth open in the presence of Snot-Bot 3000.
For your convenience, we have completely automated our customer service line! If you have questions or complaints, it’s probably already covered in our FAQs. If not, we do apologize.
AutoThought: it’s not a pill, it’s a panacea for your piddly thought process.
Have trouble saying the right thing? Do you sound kinda dumb at all times? Never fear! AutoThought is here! This pill-shaped thingy, which is actually not a pill, goes DIRECTLY up your nose and INTO your brain. There, it will burrow into your frontal lobe and set up shop. Within two weeks, you’ll be spouting sonnets like Shakespeare or your money back. Unusually small nostrils? Don’t worry! AutoThought’s unique excavator drill will make short work of any resistance.
AutoThought is a hit at parties and on dates. You’ll always know exactly the right thing to say in any given situation. Are you a trivia fan? AutoThought will guarantee your success in any trivia match up to 96.3% of the time. (100% accuracy is difficult to achieve due to hacktivists infiltrating the FACTS servers on occasion. Please do not use on game shows such as but not limited to Jeopardy! or they will sue us.)
Side effects: in rare cases, AutoThought has become extreme in its viewpoints and may push you into mouth-frothing conspiracy territory. In those cases, we advise you to seek out a brain surgeon for immediate removal. If you wait too long, AutoThought may tunnel directly into your amygdala and then it’s curtains for you, bub.
Get AutoThought today! It’s a NO-BRAINER!
PhoneFaceFix: THE APP: the Swiss Army knife of beauty. Literally.
This wonderful application is the answer to all of your beauty woes. Have you ever taken a selfie that made you want to dip your head into molten lava? We have too! But now, you don’t have to live with the face you were born with. You don’t even have to go to the doctor.
Simply download PhoneFaceFix: THE APP, and our team will send you our state-of-the-art phone case directly to your doorstep. After installing our sleek and modern phone case onto your phone, take a selfie in our app! If your response to your face is YUCK! DISGUSTING! You’re in luck!
Simply apply the celebrity filter of your choice to your selfie until you look just how you always dreamed. Then, right before bed, place your phone with its new phone case on your chest. Once you fall asleep, fantastic doctors who are all over the world on standby (and who are absolutely OF COURSE professionally trained in the art of plastic surgery) will remotely use the inbuilt surgical tools in your new phone case to perform plastic surgery procedures to give you the face on your filtered selfie.
You’ll wake up looking beautiful—err, actually, you will be very bruised and hideous looking. But we guarantee that once you heal up within a few months, you will be so pleased with your results that you’ll freak (at least 57% of the time)!
Warning: PhoneFaceFix should never be used in households with dogs or children. If you have a partner, make sure they stay in a locked room somewhere far away from your bedroom, or, better yet, in a hotel. PhoneFaceFix must be recalibrated before every procedure. If your internet service is spotty, you may experience results that are up to three centimeters off. We apologize for any inconvenience but accept no responsibility for the final result. May we suggest trying to take another selfie and starting over? It could work!
3,384 Current Holographic Commenters
sorted by: credit score
Welcome to the holographic comments section! Just shout over the other holograms, and we will try to answer you in real time or transfer you to sales. Users with higher credit scores will be heard at a higher volume. Remember, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! Or we’ll take legal action!
Esteemed Mayor of the Autopolis
Credit score 850
Esteemed Mayor of the Autopolis here. Won in a landslide, I assure you. Anyhow, 6,000 of your finest Snot-Bot 3000s, please! We are SINKING HERE! They will suck up seawater, won’t they? PIPE DOWN, all of you. My credit score is PERFECT! I should mute you like I mute my constituents. One email marked as spam at a time!
BiffisLonelyinLexington
Credit score 640
Umm, hi. Is PhoneFaceFix: THE APP a one-time cost kinda deal? Or is each procedure extra? What if I get multiple procedures done at once? Is that a discount or…? Do you think I need my lips done, or just my nose? Does it do calf implants? People say my calves are kinda wimpy in comparison to my quads. Check out my lats tho…
LonniesOnIt
Credit score 600 (piggybacking on parents’ credit)
Yeah, uh. How much for the brain booger thing? I got a vocab quiz in like, 4 minutes, soooo
Edna
No credit score
Hello? Hello? Who are you? Why are you calling me? Will the snot vacuum eat Windex? Can I write you a check? I’d also like to order another hair curler. Just the one, thanks.
Thank you for tuning in for these short advertisements. Now back to your regularly scheduled programs!
Music: Ambient Piano by Pavle Rosić https://soundcloud.com/lexxan
https://protunes.net/
I laughed so hard, thanks for your creativity!